The Errant Apprentice Lyrics

When I was a young apprentice

and less than compos mentis

I took leave of all my senses

with a maid I fell in love.

Her ringlets so entwined me

Aphrodite's smile did blind me

Cupid's arrow struck behind me

and her father owned a pub.

It was there I met my nemesis

in her father's licensed premises

Like the Seraphim of Genesis

sat Mary Anne Maguire.

Arrayed in fine apparel

astride a porter barrel

She looked the kind of girl that

would fill you with desire.



All the turtle doves were cooing

as I took to my wooing

Her Loveliness pursuing

in the springtime of that year.

But she thought I should be older

and more gallant and much bolder

In the uniform of a soldier

'tis then she'd hold me dear.

In extremis and euphoria

I joined with Queen Victoria

For a spell of death or gloria

a-fighting with the Boers.

To the wind I threw all caution

I'll return with fame and fortune

And together make a portion

of matrimony's chores.



On the gravestone of her mother

she swore she loved no other

But I was to soon discover

that she played me for a berk.

For lady-luck had beached me

and intelligence had reached me

Whilst I'd been overseas she

had married to a Turk.

Well me, I then deserted

for to find the girl who'd flirted

Back to Ireland I reverted

for my jealously was roused.

In Maguire's Pub in Derry

I found him making merry

With his arms around my Mary

as together they caroused.



So I took my time and waited

until his thirst was sated

And home he navigated

through the streets of Derry town.

At his lodgins he stood knocking

and whilst they were unlocking

I put a stone into a stocking

on his head I brought it down.

'Twas then the night's serenity

was rent with loud obscenity

And Ottoman profanity

that I couldn't understand.

With an oath he made to grab me

with full intent to stab me

But as he tried to kebab me

I was screaming up the strand.



All around the town's perimeter

he chased me with his scimitar

A powerful passion limiter

to an errant in his pride.

Through the waterside he chased me

to the Bridge of Foyle he raced me

And at Derry Quay he faced me

so I jumped into the tide.

Sure bravery's no virtue

when some heathen's trying to hurt you

And all noble thoughts desert you

when you see his curly knife.

For there's many things worth trying for

and occasionally worth lying for

But there's bugger-all worth dying for

so I'll stick to the soldier's life.