I was talking to this girl the other day and she said"all guys want is sex"And i said "listen, finish blowing me, and we are gonna talk about this... later"...That's a lie...I said it because it was funnyShe actually said that she goes "thats all guys, dane, is sex" and i said to her"nay..."I said "theres other things guys want besides sex. we're just a little embarrassed to admit them but im putting it out in the universe so you can respect us for who we are as men"For example any guy here more than sex if they had the choice of sex or this one other thing any guy here would rather be part of a heist!You know when you watch the movie "Heat" your like "i wanna do that!"You just wanna be running down mainstreet with an AK-47...PffffpffffpffffWHERE'S THE VAN?PffffpffffTHE VAN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!PffffffWe want that guy whos on a computer and is like"give me a minute i just need one more minute dude i need one more minute to hack into the mainframeIm in frenster they re-routed me into frenster i need a minute...WHERE'S THE FUCKING VAN! pfffffTheres always that guy on the team too he was a last minute replacement hes not one of the original gang but one of the guys vouches for him"no no dude trust me this guys coolHes solid and hes cool"But hes not cool is he?He doesn't really say anything ever right he just stands there and looks cool, and at one point he might be like"let's kill these bitches"I wanna be part of a heist and i wanna get shot here in the back of my leg...Pow "OW shit!"It stings but it still makes me feel kinda coolI keep looking at the blood goingNo no no no... bleeding from the legWHERES THE VAN!?We wanna be a part of a heist and than there's something else that we want even more than the heist even more than sex any guy here would love to haveA monkeyA pet monkeyAnd people get mad and sometimes youd say oh i'd love to have a monkey and theres always that one anti-monkey person in the areaThey over hear you "excuse me i heard you saying you'd like to have a monkey and thats a horrible idea you do not want a monkey you do not want a monkey"Theyre a monkey expert and they start listing off all the reasons YOU can't have a monkey" let me tell you a few thingsCan i just have a minute can i have a minuteCan i just explain a few things about monkeys that maybe you dont know before you jump to your conclusion?Ok?Its more than just bananas and dancing with tooth brushesOk?First of all they crap in their own hands and they throw it around in a festive mannerLike theyre at a celebration of monkey poop andThey make faces that are unacceptable in society..."I hear these things and im likeThats why i want a monkey all those reasons!I dont want a nice quiet monkeyI want an evil monkey that i can dress in armor give him a sword have fights with him inside my place...How pumped would you be driving home from work knowing someplace in your house theres a monkey your gonna battle!Thats awesome!You walk inAhhh... monkey? you here?...ahhhh...Where are you?...Im in your closet!...Holy shit you just talked!...I taught myself to talk!...This is incredibly odd!I know lets fight!...Ok...This would be the ultimate what if after the heist you jump in the van and the monkey is driving the van"GET IN! WE GOTTA GO!WE GOTTA GO! WE GOTTA GO!...Makes me sad cuz i know it'll never happen...
