Joyce Lyrics

You've clearly come to tell me

Something really quite unpleasant

I know that shifty look upon your face

If it's about the alimony

Then our lawyers should be present

No? You're telling me there's

Someone in my place

Do I know her?

Oh, I do?

Well, are you going

To tell me who?



Joyce?

So you're living with Joyce?

I'm a little bit fazed

No, I'm frankly amazed

That you've opted for Joyce

Joyce?

Well blow me, it's Joyce

Am I missing the plot?

Because really she's not

An obvious choice



So

Did it start long ago?

Though I'm out of your life

And no longer your wife

I would just like to know

But

Though the woman's a slut

If you love her I guess

I must wish you success

And keep my mouth shut

I shan't say a thing



Now I see the whole damn tawdry story

All spread out in Technicolor glory

Me? I thought that life was hunky-dory

Little did I know that this

Slippery sly-boots

Was planning on climbing into

My bed, my boots

Starting that summer when we all shared a villa

Did I have suspicions? No! Not a scintilla

Underneath the Tuscan sun she flirted

Ooh!

While my mind was otherwise diverted

How her efforts must have been concerted

Going off to look at old ruins together

She's a ruinous elf with a face of old leather

All the time pretending to be my chum

Oh my god! Was I dumb?



Joyce!

Well it's cuddly old Joyce

She's an excellent chef

But how can you be deaf

To the sound of her voice?

Joyce

Well she's hardly Rolls-Royce

And believe me I'm loath

To imagine you both

Getting sticky and moist

How

Could you fall for that cow?

You must take her to bed

With a bag on her head

Oh I'm sorry, meow!

Right

I'm resorting to spite

You and me had to end

And we want to stay friends

So let's not have a fight

I shan't say a thing!



How could such a friend of mine betray me?

That's what just continues to dismay me

Like a fish, she'd play me and she'd play me

Always popping 'round

And always being kindly

Of course I fell for it

Absolutely blindly

Dear old Joyce, so terribly willing

It's so bloody funny, it's absolutely killing!

What possessed me when I let that witch in?

Aaaaargh!

How'd I know that she would get her pitch in?

Sitting, nice and comfy, in my kitchen

"Oh, I'd love a cup of coffee

No I'll make it myself

I know you keep the mugs

On the second shelf

I know where you keep the sugar

I know where you keep the jug!"

All the time, I was the mug!



Joyce!

It really is choice!

Your new better half

I've just gotta laugh

And even rejoice

Joyce

I can scarcely convoyse

I'm feeling so ill

Give me a pill

Fetch me a noyse

What

Has she possibly got?

She looks like a hag

Who dresses in drag

And is married to Lot

Joyce

Her name is a coyse

In the whole univoyse

There's nobody woyse

Send for a hoyse

She dies tonight! Hahahahahaa!



Just in case you missed it, mister

I...

HATE...



(Spoken)

I can't even bring myself to mention her name! What, what did I say?