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Blackmail

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Blackmail - Monty Python Lyrics




Presenter Hello, good evening, and welcome to

'Blackmail'! And to start tonight's programme, we go to

Preston in Lancashire, and Mrs Betty Teal!

Cut to a slightly blurred black and white photo of a

housewife with her face blotted out by a black oblong.



Presenter Hello, Mrs Teal!

Cut back to presenter. He picks up a letter and reads

it.



Presenter Now this is for £15 and it's to stop us

revealing the name of your lover in Bolton.

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: '£15' (which flashes on and off

quickly)



Presenter So Mrs Teal...if you send us £15 by return

post, please, and your husband Trevor, and your lovely

children, Diane, Janice and Juliet need never know the

name of your lover in Bolton.

Cut to a nude man (except for a collar and a tie) at

organ. He plays a few stirring chords. Cut back to

presenter.



Presenter (as he speaks he holds up the various items)

And now...a letter...a hotel registration book...and a

series of photographs...which could add up to divorce,

premature retirement, and possible criminal proceedings

for a company director in Bromsgrove. He's a freemason,

and prospective Tory MP.. that's Mr S. of Bromsgrove...

£3,000...

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: '£3000' (which flashes on and

off)



Presenter ...to stop us from revealing your name, the

name of the three other people involved, the youth

organization to which they belong, and the shop where

you bought the equipment.

Cut back to nude man at organ with chords again. Cut to

still of two pairs of naked feet and lower legs. Organ

music over this. Cut back to presenter.



Presenter We'll be showing you more of that photograph

later in the programme...unless we hear from Charles or

Michael. And now it's time for our 'Stop the Film'

spot!

SUPERIMPOSED FLASHING CAPTION: 'STOP THE FILM'



Presenter The rules are very simple. We have taken a

film which contains compromising scenes and unpleasant

details, which could wreck a man's career. But, the

victim may phone me at any point and stop the film. But

remember the money increases as the film goes on. So

the longer you leave it...the more you have to pay! So

now, with the clock at £300 this week 'Stop the Film'

visited Thames Ditton...

The following film is shot in murky 8mm. As the film

progresses we have a £ sign with numerals in one corner

which increase. Shot of a residental street in Thames

Ditton (sic). Another section of a street with a figure

in a Robin Hood hat and raincoat - in the distance on

the far side of the road, so we can't really make him

out. Cut to slightly closer shot of him about to cross

the road. Cut to suburban house. The man is standing at

the door pressing the bell and looking round rather

furtively. Again shot from some distance and over a

hedge. Cut back to studio. The presenter looking at a

monitor and then at a phone. Back to the film: a woman

opens the door. She wears a dressing gown over

lingerie. A shaky zoom in to reveal her clothing. Wide

shot of the house with door shut. Jump cut to shot

obviously taken from a window in the house. Shaky zoom

in on window. We can see in the window...both the man

and woman enter the bedroom. He goes out of shot,

taking his coat off. Cut back to studio.



Presenter He's being very brave here...

Cut back to the film: even closer perhaps of window. A

series of short jump cuts. She is undressing. She

throws off her dressing gown. A jump and she's taking

off her negligee. Underneath she wears black corsets.

She produces a whip and seems to be beckoning to the

man. Phone rings. Cut back to the studio. The presenter

picks up the phone.

Presenter Hello, sir, hello, yes. No sir, no, I'm sure

you didn't. No, it's all right, sir, we don't morally

censure, we just want the money....Yes, and here's the

address to send it to:



Voice Over (and CAPTION:)


Blackmail lyrics !!!