Now this is about a guy you might remember from high school --Lynch: Harmonica.Teich: (imitates harmonica)Lynch: More harmonica.Teich: (imitates harmonica)Lynch: (after a pause) Bassoon.Teich: And you're a cocksucker.Lynch: Thank you.Lynch: I got my 12-sided die and I'm ready to roll with a wizard and my goblin crew.My friends are comin' over to my mom's basement, bringin' Funyuns and Mountain Dew.Teich: I got a big broadsword made outta cardboard, and the stereo's a-pumpin' Zeppelin --Lynch: (in falsetto) Whole lotta love --Teich: It's that time of the night, we turn on the black light,Both: Let the Dungeons and the Dragons begin -- IT'S D&D!Teich: Fightin' with the legends of yore.Both: IT'S D&D!Teich: Never kissed a lady before.Lynch: Nope.Both: Whoo!Lynch: Play us a little gui-tar, Teichy, come on.Teich: (picks up a small guitar and, after a long pause, plucks one string) Did you see that?Lynch: Yeah!Lynch: Now the Lord of the Rings, the Dark Crystal and things, we use these as a reference tool,Teich: And when we put on our cloaks and tell warlock jokes, WE'RE THE COOLEST KIDS IN THE SCHOOL!Lynch: (under his breath) No we're not.Teich: (also under his breath) I know.Lynch: Now Teich's a real bastard, but a fair dungeon master; he's got hit points and charisma to lend,Teich: And I rehearse in my room, or what I call the dragon's tomb, when I'm not out with my girl friend.Both: It's D&D!(Teich keeps singing, but Lynch stops short)Lynch: Oh hold on, I'm sorry, hold on one second. Dude, come on.Teich: What?Lynch: Seriously!Teich: What?Lynch: You got a fuckin' girlfriend? "Dungeon Master"?Teich: Yeah, all right, I do, I have a girlfriend. I do! I have a girlfriend ... ahhhh, I don't have a girlfriend.Both: It's D&D!Lynch: Summoning the demons of hell,Both: It's D&D!Teich: When our shift ends at the Taco Bell.(Lynch's brother Drew comes onstage)Lynch: Well, my medieval brother, there's room here for another, would you care to take a roll of the die?Drew: Now listen to my words, you guys are fucking nerds, I'd rather stick that sword in my eye!Lynch: Wow!Drew: You're not a warrior strong! Your fucking wand is a bong! There's no such thing as a gnome or a sprite!Both: We put a spell on thee!Drew: (laughing) You guys are too much for me, ha ha ha ...Both: (after a long pause to glare at him) That's what your mama said last night.All: It's D&D!Lynch: Warriors who terrifyAll: It's D&D!All: Virgins till the day we-e-e-e-e--eeeee-AH(all freakiness ensues)Lynch: 1, 2, FUCK YOU!All: DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!
